Today is my Birthday

Hi there All,
Normally in the past, I have often forgotten my birthday, but this year my family reminded me just before and I had no choice but to remember. Age for the most part, and time really, has never played havoc with me. My personal views on age and eternity have always been easy. However, I have to say for the first time, I felt it. Yesterday, was a major day here in Banos. There was the school parade which took 3-4 hours. During this time, Rachelle was flirting with a fellah we know, and no biggie. But later, after we did school, we went out for supper and to watch the fireworks. (It turns out it was Banos's birthday. ) Before hand there was music and dancing. I only wanted to see the fireworks. (It was so nice of Banos to have fireworks on my birthday.) { Normally, I like to celebrate my birthday, quiet.... watching the nutcracker suite, and with a few drinks of Bailey's. It feels like holding still and being in the moment for me.} Anyway, I digress once again...... Rachelle is a dancin and running into other dancing friends, and I of course feel like that lovely fifth wheel. Some of these friends rather annoyed me in some of their beliefs. That ugly macho thingy, I hate that. And I hate trying to have a conversation with someone thinking only with their you know what , especially when it might involve my daughter. I also find that those kind of people hate to be challenged to think when the mating ritual is all they can think about. It gets my back up and I always find myself doing or saying something to add to the fire. This time I couldn't beleive myself when I asked this one guy, why is it that Ecuadorian guys have to have a trap line of women? Some times that mouth of mine opens and out she comes. At least I brought it out into the open. It did create that special something in the air. I know I did not make a friend when he is trying to be somewhat honest and still make the moves on my daughter. Interesting and sadly laid out bullshit lines though, and not at all creative or well communicated either, good salsa dancer though. When I was younger, I was the kind of girl that never really fit in and thoughts would roll around in my head and often come out in awkward times, I always had this and I think that that was one of the reasons I never really enjoyed that socializing thing alot. In my mind they were important issues and I wanted to know. My mind travels a hundred miles an hour on alllllll kinds of things and my evening companions are talking about how they look and what looks best. Talk about frustrating. Anyway I digress again.... sorry... So there we are Rachelle and I hanging with her horny friends and moving to the music. That part was ....ok. Then the fire works went off and I have to say it was fab, and it seemed to go on forever. It was worth the wait. But when it was over, the dancing started again and Rachelle was itching to get back into the groove. I, not wanting to be a party pooper relunctantly joined in. Yuck!!!! The fellahs were starting to look for their "evening" partners and were picking it up a knotch. Even I was asked to dance by this LITTLE guy and that was even more yuck. I was feeling more and more like a fifth wheel , and old fat battle ax as the guys, and my daughter are making their moves and doin' that thang. And of course she is feeling weird with partying with her mom, yuck again. I was getting annoyed and cranky and so on. I had to get out of their whether Rachelle wanted to go or not. As we were walking home, I tried to talk with Rachelle about it, but of course being sooooo young and right into all that stuff, it probably would have been better not to try to explain what I was going through. I think it just annoyed her more. How can you explain this stuff when for her it is like light years away. Anyway I know I didn't succeed and probably made the matter worse, but maybe one day she will remember that awkward moment for her mom and forgive me. Maybe it would have been better if Rob and Dane were there too but I don't think so. I really felt the difference in time between my daughter and I. This is her time, for her to explore her independence and find herself. I remember how it felt when she was 1 week old and that I was sad because the week went by so fast. Now she is 17 and that has gone by so fast, and in some ways not fast enough. A part of me wishes for that time to last longer and another part wants to find that person who is beyond the mother. So in some ways I guess what I am feeling is not really about time and age but about who I am and what I will do when the time is mine again beyond the mother because let me tell you I have no intention of ever going back to that social youth thingy again, yuck. I don't think this whole thing was about dancing or that social thing that I was never go at and felt uncomfortable in but finding the fulfilling thing. I think that this next part of my journey, will be interesting, letting go always is. Change can be difficult but it is good too. So on this note, I think that this birthday will be spent looking at the smoking volcano and trying to figure things out, or maybe as one of those famous buddist's said don't spend so much time thinking and just live and be in the moment.
Talk with you all later
Robin