facing your foes, and your past

Hi there Everyone
I have started painting another painting. Often, when I am starting a new painting, I have to overcome my fear of the whiteness of a blank canvas. I am sure that I am not the only artist who gets that way. When faced with a white canvas, it is like facing all your potential and wondering if all the previous paintings were a fluke. Fluke is such a huge word to someone who has a small amount of self confidence. I can see why many people stop painting just because of that problem. You would only ever do one painting well and live off the idea of success never trying again but doing alot of talking about it and your lost potential. It takes bravery and fearlessness to do it again. Take my advise if you are doing that kind of action be brave and do it again and again and again and live off your actions and not off your potential.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, my learning issues dictate how I live my life. To be obsessive compulsive combined with ADD means not only do I have to do art in one form or another or I get sick, but I do it until I am done. Many times, I have to say thank you to my family, especially my partner for forgiving me and allowing me to do whatever it is and how much time it takes to encourage me to do it. I think that time doesn't exist when I paint. I have heard that you go into a zone when meditating or other activities. To me it feels as though there is only paint and canvas and air. It is hard to explain..... I don't think that I have the vocabulary or skill in writing to explain so in this case I won't be brave and not even make an attempt. Sorry...
Now, the second thing that is going on with this painting is that it is of three Gallinazo Rey (King Vulture). These are nature's marvels (birds), they are brightly colored and weird looking. I went to the zoo and took their photos. They looked at me like they were the kings and I was the peasant who was daring to take their glorious images and how dare I. What I didn't realize was that when I layed them out on the canvas was they were looking at me with distain. I recognized that look as one that I had seen often when I was younger. These creatures were making the face that people had made to me when I was younger. I went breathless...
When I was a massage therapist, there was one patient who came to see me and said that I was an inigma to him. He said he would be shocked to see this woman with presence, who looked like she should have this great zeal, self-confidence and who spoke with conviction of ideals but when you got past the veil, was lacking in the self confidence department. I never understood that. I just felt what I felt and said what I said for the most part that what I felt was to be true. I was just being. I was just stating things that just seemed so obvious to me and why couldn't people see that too. It was, I guess, that I was just expecting too much. I often wonder though, if this is a part of why people don't beleive what I say now either. I would tell "truths" and either people wouldn't beleive or trust me or just listen for courtesy sake. I still don't know. My wise daughter often reminds me that people like us don't often "fit", in fact, we are aliens who landed and took up residence on Earth. I can take solace in that, I guess.
As a child, I had wellllll......., different ideas than other kids. I felt soooo strongly. I felt really out of place and didn't find a place of acceptance until I was older and really with my partner Rob. I was like one of the "Monsters" like Lady Gaga talks about and is. Other people started coming into my life around that time who accepted me and even supported me in a way that I could accept. I had taken number self exploration courses to figure out why I didn't fit in. I decided that the problem must be with me, and that it was my responcibility to fix and repair those issues. So when I was out there asking my questions, I started getting answers and finding people who felt that same and weren't afraid to say so. I found out they nor I was "bad" or "wrong" or "badly fitted", I was just not of the norm. I finally felt I was heading in the correct direction. With great regularity now, I find those people are now finding me and I don't have to work so hard to find my people.
I have to say, that when I found that certain "look" peaking, that memorable look, out of the birds, I was put off. I was put off so much that I joyously painted right over those smug little faces with copious amounts of white thick paint. I painted over the faces that had said to me things like: I was a freak, I was odd, and one that really sticks with me is this one, I thought you would end up in a gutter one day. Boy, you know the things that people say just shocks me. I would never say that to anyone, at least I hope not. I like to think of myself as mor sensitive and kinder than that. So armed with white paint, paint that give rebirth and a new start, I lashed back at them. I let them say what they had to say and put my own feeling on it.So I painted over those birds. So there!
However, when I re-layed them out, I layed them out with a close up of their faces. I think that I need to get real comfortable with those faces and those looks. I need to overcome that and let it go. I need to make fun of those faces so that when I see it again, I can laugh it off. I need to move on and grow.... on.
It was funny, because while in the middle of this exploration, I decided that I would also take some fun for myself. Normally, I never have more than one painting on the go at a time, and I do it to completion, so I never provide for a space for a new painting as the present one takes all my concentration. But this time lightness was needed to break up the intensity of my emotions. Dealing with childhood trauma is best served with humour and lightness. So I decided that I would paint my Blue Footed Boobies. Just the name makes me laugh. I have some marvelous photos of them dancing, posturing and kicking up them big floppy blue flippers. Sometimes they will look with those intense beady eyes at their own feet or the feet of their companions as in disbeleif of what they can do or what they are doing. It makes me laugh. I decided that it would be fun to paint those marvelous little demostrators in a Disco bar where they could dance and party in happy dancing lights and glitter balls. What happened on the layout, (that I am still working on), is that there were some birds that were the conformists, teaching the Blue Footed Booby line dance to the others, some getting"it" some not and then yet again there were the "odd ones out" who are doing their own thing. Hmmmmmm, just like me. I guess, I just needed to point out to myself, the silliness of having to conform and how good it can feel to beat to your own drum and be who you are really meant to be.
A last excerpt to this story is that a new friend of mine came over for a visit. I had said to him before that I was a painter, and again I got the requisit ho-hum and isn' that interesting non beleiving attitude. Whatever... I have seen that atitude sooooo many times, I just accept it now and don't invest any energy into trying to convince them otherwise. When he dropped by to the house unexpectedly, I invited him in for coffee. As I was preparing the coffee, Dane in his excitement of having a visitor, hauled him upstairs to go see his laboratory/workshop/approach with caution room, when I heard a manly squeal. I went upstairs to the hall, where I have set up a temporary gallery, only to find this man slowly spinning around taking in everything with mouth a-gaping. All I could find to say was, "I told you that I painted". And his reply was, "Yes you told me, but everyone in Banos paints. There's painting and then there is painting. When are you exhibiting?" How come he didn't listen to me in the first place????? I guess that is not the important thing. I guess the important thing is for me to keep painting no matter what people say or do and enjoy and learn from the process.
Keep an open sensitive heart when dealing with soft souls, please, the kindess will for ever affect another soul.....
Robin